Creating New Traditions

One of the things about making a big life change is the necessity that comes with it that new traditions must be made.  I still remember when I use to be afraid of change, but over the last few years I find myself getting warm and cozy with it. 

I have already started of the season by going to the Grotto last night for the opening ceremony and the Carolers' opening concert. It was a fantastic way to kick of the season and to hear from friend, Laura sing her solo.  Highly recommended for those out there looking for a fun and festive activity. 

One of the things that I love about changing traditions, especially for the holidays is the changing of the holiday decor.  I know that this sounds bad, but personally I would love to have new holiday decor each year with a few essentials that are precious to my heart from days gone by. 

With Christmas coming up, I am really starting to focus on what I want it to be this year.  There are some essentials to decide like tree or no tree.  Then of course potted or fake.  Definitely color scheme, which this year I am leaning towards deep burgundy/purple, gold, hunter green and black.  One idea I saw in a magazine was to use different types of planted trees like a lemon bush or topiary bush.  Also to make a wreath of fresh herbs like sage and rosemary instead of the traditional pine. 

My biggest debate every year is what kind of Christmas card to do.  I am leaning towards to Costco cards with the letter again, just because I love how fun the puppies look in the pictures. 

So what new traditions did you make this year?

Stages of Grief: Anger

I have reached a new stage of grief in regards to the end of my marriage.  I am now in the stage of anger. 

I have gone through this stage before with other losses, but this is definitely the most intensely angry I have ever been.  I find myself getting angry about everything.  Not just mad, ANGRY!

All I can say at this point is that I really hope that this stage passes quickly. 

In the past I would participate in an activity or spend time with others that help me to be happy.  However this time, that is not proving sufficient.  I just cannot seem to get past it and I think part of the problem is that I don't want to get past it.  Part of me kinda likes being angry, because it knocks out my normal censors.  This of course has its pluses and its minuses.  It is nice being uncensored with Keith and giving him the full weight of my anger, though it is not very nice of me.  But on the other hand, I am so done with being nice. 

I am really hoping that this weekend will help to push me through this stage.

Counseling

One of the changes that I have implemented in the last few months was to start meeting with a counselor. Though learning about the fibromyalgia and dealing with my weight are tough, they are really only the symptoms of under lying trauma that I never really dealt with.

My counselor had me complete an exercise in which I listed my top ten best and ten worst memories. I had honestly never put a lot of thought into ranking my memories, but as I did so, I began to find the experience very enlightening.

When we reviewed the memories together the counselor made some interesting observations.  First of both my positive and negative memories, I had a tendency to group experiences. Examples: adopting my dogs, good and bad interactions with my ex husband, and passing exams.  Secondly none of my positive memories pointed to an individual that I look up to. 

We haven't gotten into yet what all of this means, but to me it said that I really like to repeat stuff that I enjoy, that I have a tendency to be too patient with things I don't like and I let them continue to happen to me, and that I still feel alone in the world.

The hardest one to face is feeling alone in the world, because the rational side of me knows better. I know that I am loved and treasured by many wonderful people in my life. Yet my brain and heart still will not fully accept this. This is an issue that I really hope that the counseling will help me to resolve. I want to fully be able to accept the love that my friends and family give me.

The Beginning

So I have been thinking a lot about were to start my blog, and decided that some history would be best.

Birthday 2009

The above picture is from my birthday party in 2009.  This was still when I weighed the most that I had ever weighed in my life, 320lbs.

Birthday 2010

This picture is from my birthday party in 2010.  I had my weight bouncing between 290lbs and 300lbs.  I felt awful, was sleeping as much as possible and had this really weird tingling and numbness going on in my body.

In June 2010, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and started taking cymbalta to help me body obtain a correct chemical balance.  Within two days of starting the medication, I was back in the gym lifting weights that I hadn't been able to pick up without pain since college.

It took my body months to heal, but everything went away.  I no longer had skin problems, allergies, digestive issues or problems with sleeping.  People could poke and touch me and I didn't jump out of my skin with pain. 

Come April 2011, my work had just completed it's first session of Weight Watchers at work.  Though my body was healthy, I just was not making any progress with my weight loss and was still sitting at 300lbs.  I joined the group and needless to say have not looked back since.  Just the other week I hit the 50lbs lost mark.  I have also set my goal weight, which is 140lbs.  I have not weighed that weight since I was 11 years old. 

I anticipate that it will take me a year to a year and a half to reach my goal weight is I stay on track.  Which means that I should reach my weight goal about the same time that I complete my Masters in Business.  Both of these goals will mean a lot of hard work, but I am looking forward to the challenge.

Birthday 2011

November 2011 50 lbs Lighter

Life Changes

When this year started I had no idea where the road of the next few months would take me.  It brought me a new niece and nephew, new hair cut, new body, and a new level of a realization that my eight year marriage had come to an end. 

In preparation for next year and really the next phase of my life, I have come to realize that through my joys and sorrows I have learned some simple truths that I would like to share with the world.  This blog will be my platform for my virtual voice. I hope that you enjoy what you read hear, and I pray that someone out there will find that these words have value to them. 

2 Nephi 2: 22-26

Blog Motto: 2 Nephi 2: 22-26

22 And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end.

 23 And they would have had no ^achildren; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no ^bjoy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no ^csin.

 24 But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who ^aknoweth all things.

 25 ^aAdam ^bfell that men might be; and men ^care, that they might have ^djoy.

 26 And the ^aMessiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may ^bredeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are ^credeemed from the fall they have become ^dfree forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the ^elaw at the great and last day, according to the commandments which God hath given.