Egg and Bok choy

So after eating bok choy, I am sure that I have had it before, but now that I have it lightly sauteed with eggs, I am in love. I also tried it raw and really enjoyed it. It may just become my new favorite platform for peanut butter and laughing cow cheese.
I am starting on having a "clean diet" and today was my kick off. I will need to find a replacement for my favorite Fiber One bars :( and a clean bread/English muffin that is gluten free.
The best part is that these changes will help me adhere to the recommended diet for someone with fibromyalgia and the recipes that I have tested so far have great point plus values. I even put together a menu for week. My weight watcher leader will be so proud of me.
My goal for the first week is to have a diet at least 75% clean. Let's see how it goes.

Eating and Fibromyalgia

Over the last year and a half since I was diagnosed with Fribromyalgia, I have made many changes in my life, including in my daily activity and in the foods that I eat.  My body has continued to become healthier every day, though there were a few set backs.  I have now raised my medication for the second time, and find myself really starting to focus on how what I eat affects my symptoms. 

The basic guidelines for individuals who suffer from Fibromyalgia are:
- Glutton/yeast free
- Dairy free or only processed dairy (cheese and yogurt)
- Artificial sweetener free
- Any nightshade plant free (potatoes, tomatoes, sweet potatoes, etc)
- Focus on lean meats
- Food additive free
- Sugar fee
- Caffeine free (yes this includes chocolate)
http://www.webmd.com/fibromyalgia/guide/fibromyalgia-the-diet-connection

Of course as you read the literature, they point out that not all Fibromyalgia patients need to apply all of these rules to their diets, but these are the categories that most dietary changes fall under that Fibromyalgia patients have found significant in decreasing symptoms.  Again the joy of Fibromyalgia is that it generally affects each of us in different ways.

For myself, I have already made the following changes to my diet.  I generally have very little dairy and will use almond milk as an alternative.  If I have cheese though, I go for the real thing but cut back the quantity and take a lactaid pill.  I try to keep my glutton intake to a minimum. I still have 1/4 cup of oatmeal in the morning and noodles in my soup at lunch.  Occasionally I have some for dinner in the form of a pita or roll. 

I really try to avoid artificial sweetener except for in the gum that I chew, and I generally focus on eating lean meats.  I have basically cut the caffeine down to just a few times a week for soda, though, I still have a little chocolate daily that is on my Fiber One bar.  I have cut back on sugar, which has been a natural part of my overall change in lifestyle and diet.

However the nightshade plants are a killer.  I love potatoes and sweet potatoes.  I have even grown an appreciation for a good tomato.  I mean what is better then fresh mozzarella and tomatoes (I know, two bad foods for me)!

However as my waist line continues to decrease, but my medication goes up, I am starting to realize that more sacrifices are ahead.  Sigh!

Music - The Dusty Talent on the Shelf

During the last three months of renovating my life, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on things that I used to do that I sacrificed to make room for other priorities.  Well at least things that I thought should have a higher priority.

One of those things was my musical talent.  Over the years, I have continued to sing in church and occasionally in choir, but I would rarely practice the piano and only took the guitar lessons for a short time period despite making good progress during my lessons.  Mostly, I would put these things aside because though my spouse initially supported my efforts eventually they interfered with his comfort or my ability to take care of him, which of course made him grumpy and upset.  Instead of standing up for myself, I would stop focusing on my musical skills to "work on our relationship".  These were probably some of the most self destructive times in my life.

I still have a lot of anxiety about performing, and I am hoping that the therapy I am doing with my counselor will help me to work through that, as ultimately it is all tied back to my negative shelf talk. 

I do know how to read music, and I know some music technique and theory.  I believe that I have a talent in music, and I hope that with practice I will become more comfortable with sharing it.  I know how it feels to share my voice in a choir, and I know that I want to have the same experience with the piano and the guitar.  I guess what I need to figure out is how not to give up on myself down the road as I start to hit the road blocks. 

What I would really like to do is establish some goals and rewards for myself connected to this particular talent.  I would like the rewards to not be related to food, as I am really striving to get away from that concept.  I would like the goal to be something that requires me to put myself out there.  Suggestions are welcome.

Understanding

I have, of late, been working on knowing what I need to know to not get myself into another destructive relationship.

Last Saturday night I was mall shopping and of course topped off my trip with some luxury time in Barnes and Noble. I found this fantastic book called "Why Does He Do That" by Lunford Bancroft. It is a book meant to help abuses understand the mind of the abuser.

I picked up the book hoping to learn the early warning signs of an abuser personality and I have also gained major insight into so many other facets. It has made it a lot easier to cope with the current abusers still in my life and hopefully will potential help me minimize my exposure to them.

Tonight was the Live Nativity at the Joy to the World event.  This was another chance for me to interact with the people in our stake.  It also meant that I was able to see many of my favorite people from the Riverside Ward. 

I actually left early for the event so that I could take the tour and really get into the spirit of the message before working with the children.  I accomplished my goal and so much more.  Sitting there listening to music and realizing that I was surrounded by families was actually very hard.  Much harder then I ever thought that it would be. 

I also was able to visit with individuals who expressed their love for me and told me that they missed me.  I cannot even express in words how hard it was to leave my ward family.  It still hurts so much.  I love me new ward, but walking out on my old one...is heartbreaking.

Creating New Traditions

One of the things about making a big life change is the necessity that comes with it that new traditions must be made.  I still remember when I use to be afraid of change, but over the last few years I find myself getting warm and cozy with it. 

I have already started of the season by going to the Grotto last night for the opening ceremony and the Carolers' opening concert. It was a fantastic way to kick of the season and to hear from friend, Laura sing her solo.  Highly recommended for those out there looking for a fun and festive activity. 

One of the things that I love about changing traditions, especially for the holidays is the changing of the holiday decor.  I know that this sounds bad, but personally I would love to have new holiday decor each year with a few essentials that are precious to my heart from days gone by. 

With Christmas coming up, I am really starting to focus on what I want it to be this year.  There are some essentials to decide like tree or no tree.  Then of course potted or fake.  Definitely color scheme, which this year I am leaning towards deep burgundy/purple, gold, hunter green and black.  One idea I saw in a magazine was to use different types of planted trees like a lemon bush or topiary bush.  Also to make a wreath of fresh herbs like sage and rosemary instead of the traditional pine. 

My biggest debate every year is what kind of Christmas card to do.  I am leaning towards to Costco cards with the letter again, just because I love how fun the puppies look in the pictures. 

So what new traditions did you make this year?

Stages of Grief: Anger

I have reached a new stage of grief in regards to the end of my marriage.  I am now in the stage of anger. 

I have gone through this stage before with other losses, but this is definitely the most intensely angry I have ever been.  I find myself getting angry about everything.  Not just mad, ANGRY!

All I can say at this point is that I really hope that this stage passes quickly. 

In the past I would participate in an activity or spend time with others that help me to be happy.  However this time, that is not proving sufficient.  I just cannot seem to get past it and I think part of the problem is that I don't want to get past it.  Part of me kinda likes being angry, because it knocks out my normal censors.  This of course has its pluses and its minuses.  It is nice being uncensored with Keith and giving him the full weight of my anger, though it is not very nice of me.  But on the other hand, I am so done with being nice. 

I am really hoping that this weekend will help to push me through this stage.

Counseling

One of the changes that I have implemented in the last few months was to start meeting with a counselor. Though learning about the fibromyalgia and dealing with my weight are tough, they are really only the symptoms of under lying trauma that I never really dealt with.

My counselor had me complete an exercise in which I listed my top ten best and ten worst memories. I had honestly never put a lot of thought into ranking my memories, but as I did so, I began to find the experience very enlightening.

When we reviewed the memories together the counselor made some interesting observations.  First of both my positive and negative memories, I had a tendency to group experiences. Examples: adopting my dogs, good and bad interactions with my ex husband, and passing exams.  Secondly none of my positive memories pointed to an individual that I look up to. 

We haven't gotten into yet what all of this means, but to me it said that I really like to repeat stuff that I enjoy, that I have a tendency to be too patient with things I don't like and I let them continue to happen to me, and that I still feel alone in the world.

The hardest one to face is feeling alone in the world, because the rational side of me knows better. I know that I am loved and treasured by many wonderful people in my life. Yet my brain and heart still will not fully accept this. This is an issue that I really hope that the counseling will help me to resolve. I want to fully be able to accept the love that my friends and family give me.

The Beginning

So I have been thinking a lot about were to start my blog, and decided that some history would be best.

Birthday 2009

The above picture is from my birthday party in 2009.  This was still when I weighed the most that I had ever weighed in my life, 320lbs.

Birthday 2010

This picture is from my birthday party in 2010.  I had my weight bouncing between 290lbs and 300lbs.  I felt awful, was sleeping as much as possible and had this really weird tingling and numbness going on in my body.

In June 2010, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and started taking cymbalta to help me body obtain a correct chemical balance.  Within two days of starting the medication, I was back in the gym lifting weights that I hadn't been able to pick up without pain since college.

It took my body months to heal, but everything went away.  I no longer had skin problems, allergies, digestive issues or problems with sleeping.  People could poke and touch me and I didn't jump out of my skin with pain. 

Come April 2011, my work had just completed it's first session of Weight Watchers at work.  Though my body was healthy, I just was not making any progress with my weight loss and was still sitting at 300lbs.  I joined the group and needless to say have not looked back since.  Just the other week I hit the 50lbs lost mark.  I have also set my goal weight, which is 140lbs.  I have not weighed that weight since I was 11 years old. 

I anticipate that it will take me a year to a year and a half to reach my goal weight is I stay on track.  Which means that I should reach my weight goal about the same time that I complete my Masters in Business.  Both of these goals will mean a lot of hard work, but I am looking forward to the challenge.

Birthday 2011

November 2011 50 lbs Lighter

Life Changes

When this year started I had no idea where the road of the next few months would take me.  It brought me a new niece and nephew, new hair cut, new body, and a new level of a realization that my eight year marriage had come to an end. 

In preparation for next year and really the next phase of my life, I have come to realize that through my joys and sorrows I have learned some simple truths that I would like to share with the world.  This blog will be my platform for my virtual voice. I hope that you enjoy what you read hear, and I pray that someone out there will find that these words have value to them. 

2 Nephi 2: 22-26

Blog Motto: 2 Nephi 2: 22-26

22 And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end.

 23 And they would have had no ^achildren; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no ^bjoy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no ^csin.

 24 But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who ^aknoweth all things.

 25 ^aAdam ^bfell that men might be; and men ^care, that they might have ^djoy.

 26 And the ^aMessiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may ^bredeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are ^credeemed from the fall they have become ^dfree forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the ^elaw at the great and last day, according to the commandments which God hath given.